Source: Anna Panunto
By Anna Panunto
The house is quiet except for the sound of the wall clock ticking in the kitchen. I hate that clock as it is old, scratched, and loud. It is hung on my kitchen wall by a crooked rusty nail. I can’t wait for it just to fall and break. Break, old clock! Your irritating ticking sound brings my anxiety to a heightened level. It is almost as if you are whispering to me in a villain voice that time is MY master and I … it’s slave. I am a slave to no one, time! The gravely textured air surrounds me. I spit in mid-air. Take that, time!
Resting my tired body on my leather couch, I take my two favorite cushions and place one underneath my head and the other one under my aching feet. These cushions feel like heaven to me. They are stuffed with feathers and lamb wool and this combination just creates a nostalgic kind of softness.
For some reason, the sound of the clock ticking is getting louder now and I have this urge to just get up and break it once and for all! Instead, I go out on my balcony for a cigarette. For a long lingering moment, I gaze up to the dark but luminous sky and ask it a stupid question, “Why me and why now? Of course, the sky does not respond but it greets me with an almost full moon. I have always loved the moon for its beauty and mystery. I am also ruled by it. A burning tear escapes my left eye and falls down my cheek selfishly. It is almost full, the moon. How sad when it is almost full… My cheek feels like a melting fire.
I exit the balcony and enter my home. I walk around my living room and then the kitchen aimlessly. Then, I go to the bathroom. I brush my teeth. Uff! I grab a new pack of cigarettes and smoke on the balcony again. I am puffing on my cigarette almost feverishly now and then wipe the anxious sweat off my forehead. I hesitate for another moment and decide to continue with a new poem. Damn, iPad is slow… but I finally find my new poem, “ Dreamless in my awakened spirit while comatose in my dreams, the invisible mechanic wheel with its menacing claws…” Oh, forget it! I don’t feel like finishing this poem… ramblings of existentialism. Who will read it and understand it – no one?! I put out my cigarette and leave the balcony. Good night, full moon….
I am standing in the middle of my living room on one leg. Let me see if I can keep my balance on one leg. Hmmm… a physical challenge. I like challenges. So far not too bad! I look around, somewhat tentatively.. those flashbacks haven’t come back in a while. Oh, I may have said that too soon. Memories of him playing with my hair in bed… return. I am now stretching my back… damn it feels sore. Ah, yes, I made it crack – perfect! Memories of him stroking my back down to my legs and kissing my feet. With his tongue… Oh, let me get a glass of water. Damn, the water is too cold! I hate cold water down my throat. Memories of him massaging his belly and inner thighs… with hot oil.
Almost incautiously, as I am traveling back and forth, traces of snake poison rest on my skin. Colligating on my skin, as you always have, eh you bastard? Is hate a form of love? Perhaps, it is its clone. Our parallel existence is real as I can still smell you on my breath. Silence…. deafening silence. The crack of dawn greets me with a half smile.
I now hear my manic giggles in bed. Our magical hands encompass the folds of the bed sheets. Oh, I can not take this anymore!
I finally take a pill and command my body to sleep. And, like a robot, my body obeys. And, asleep I am. The insomniac’s revisit has ended.